Love, Part 2: Wuv, Twooo Wuv

princess bride marriage love

In my last post, I talked about how important it is for leaders to not allow a void of communication to be created.  I want to drill down a bit on this with what and how we fill that void. I certainly didn’t intend to say in part 1 that we should only praise or shower people with love. What I believe is that we, as leaders, need to communicate honestly, clearly, directly, and … kindly. Depending on the employee’s performance, those conversations can be threatening, rewarding, or stabilizing.

“Tough Love” is really a misnomer.

If you really care about the individual as a person and you see him/her as a human being with hopes, dreams, fears, and responsibilities every bit as important as your own, you see beyond the job or task they may be failing at.  You see them and their happiness.  Nobody is going to thrive, over time, if they’re in a job that’s a poor fit with their strengths, values, and/or desires.

Here’s a real-life example (some details have been ‘vagued’ out to protect the innocent) …

“It’s evident to me that you’re unhappy here.  I say that because I’ve observed that in your demeanor but I also have some new concerns about the work you’re doing (Here’s what I’ve observed: X, Y, and Z).  Job satisfaction and job performance are usually pretty connected so I’m not surprised to see things that concern me on both fronts at the same time.  Life’s too short to spend most of your waking hours doing something you’re unhappy about or find unfulfilling.  If this is something you really want to do, then I will do everything within my power to help you be successful at it.  What are your thoughts?

[Whoa.  Do I answer him honestly?  He’s not attacking me, but he’s also forcing me to deal with the issues that I’ve been trying to avoid.  Do I answer him honestly?]  

I think the answer to that question, Do I answer him honestly?, depends a lot on your intent as a leader.  If your intent is to “performance manage out” this problem child, that will come across.  You may not think so, but sincerity is something that is really hard to fake.  If someone is being genuine with us we can generally tell, can’t we?  It’s a feeling we get.  Let’s continue with the feedback conversation:

In order for you to really be successful here, though, I’ve got to see the following changes (1, 2, 3).  Here’s the thing, I want two things.  I want you to be happy and I want you to be happy here.  And, because that’s what I want, I’ll do everything I can to help you be successful.  I’ll be more clear about my expectations.  I’ll follow up with you about your progress and I’ll listen to your concerns.  I won’t hold back my opinions.  IF, however, you disagree with my concerns and counsel and therefore disregard it, I can pretty much guarantee we’ll be having a difficult discussion like this again very soon.

The choice is completely yours.

To me, that conversation shows true love (twooo wuv as he says in Princess Bride).  We’re deceiving ourselves when we avoid the honest and direct conversations with employees.  We’re not being more kind.  We’re not doing them any favors.  We’re actually doing more harm than good.

The longer you wait, the harder the conversation becomes.

Don’t wait.  If you make it a common practice to give direct, corrective feedback as close to the issue as you can, you bring clarity to your team and you avoid mole hills turning into mountains.  Show the love.  Don’t wait.  Tweasure your wuv.


Love, Part 1: “Have I told you lately that I love you?”



Who knew that Rod Stewart was such a management guru?  He doesn’t look like one.  But let’s judge the man by his words not his appearance, huh?



“Have I told you lately that I love you?”

And with that simple question, Rod does more good in the world of “performance management” consulting than most consultants ever could.

Have you ever wondered what you’re boss was thinking about you and/or your performance?  I have.  I’ll get to that in a second.  I was speaking with a colleague the other day whose performance over the course of the last 24 months has been staggering.  As a new leader in the industry he has assembled a team, collaboratively defined its vision, elevated care and customer service, and has achieved fantastic financial, clinical, compliance, and regulatory results.  Can I paint a more successful picture?

And yet, after another record breaking month of results were posted, he was concerned that his boss wasn’t happy with him.  Why?  Because he hadn’t emailed him or called him to comment on his performance.  It had been a few months now.  No thank you.  No Attaboy.  Silence.  So, instead of appropriately celebrating or feeling satisfaction, this top performer’s strongest emotions were concern and doubt.

I experienced something similar several years ago.  My boss was on the road almost all the time.  Not only that but he had the weight of the organization on his shoulders and hundreds of people wanting a piece of his time.  As the weeks, then months went by I tried to just give him (AND MYSELF) the benefit of the doubt …

I’m sure he would call or email me about my performance if he had any concerns.

I know he’s just really busy.

He hired me because I don’t need the supervision or direction.

But, given enough time, its natural to FILL THE VOID with the worst case scenario.

I began to do what my colleague was doing.  I began to not only doubt my boss’ appreciation of my work but I began to doubt if he thought my role was even important to the organization.  After all, if nobody’s talking to you about your work (good or bad), your work must not be that important to people.

The benefit of the doubt turns into the TYRANNY OF THE DOUBT.

Maybe its just me and my colleague, but I don’t think so.  I’ve had people I’ve managed express similar feelings during overdue conversations with me as well.

A few months ago, I kept missing a 1:1 with one of my department heads.  Things kept getting in the way.  One postponement after another.  Sure, we’d talk briefly in our daily department head meeting or in the hallway but we missed quality 1:1, focused time to talk about her department (employees, goals, challenges, etc.)  When we finally met, I told her how impressed I had been by her improvements and resident/patient satisfaction I was seeing.  She was stunned.  She fought back the tears.  You see, she thought I was avoiding her because I was unhappy with her.  I had inadvertently created a void and she filled it with the worst case scenario.  Shame on me.

As leaders, we can way too easily fall victim to the illusion that silence creates.  “All is well.”  We can forget that even (especially) our top performers need regular feedback. Ironically, too often we spend an inordinate amount of time with under-performers at the expense of quality time grooming, coaching, rewarding, and recognizing those whose work we rely on so very much.

Let’s make the time.

–> Let’s set reoccurring appointment reminders on our calendars to reach out and fill the void with true conversation that builds loyalty and reaffirms mission.